


Vindicta

by parkrstark



Category: Castle
Genre: 3XK - Freeform, Forced Suicide, Friends to Lovers, M/M, No Jenny au, Ryan!whump, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, protective!javi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2015-04-07
Packaged: 2018-03-08 08:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3201788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkrstark/pseuds/parkrstark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the 2014 Secret Santa Fic Exchange</p><p>The one in which Ryan's becoming obsessed with catching 3XK and Esposito's constantly there to make sure his partner doesn't do something stupid and get himself hurt. Well, he tried anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Enough is Enough, Bro

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BirdDameron](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BirdDameron/gifts).



> Sorry this is so late, it was a big misunderstanding with someone not writing their fic and I took over so excuse the tardiness. This will be a multi-fic, this is just the prologue kinda to warm it up.

"Ryan, stop, please." Esposito begged from his kitchen doorway. It was probably close to three in the morning, figuring it was 2:30 when he woke up only to find the right side of his bed cold and vacant and he had been standing here for a good half hour at least.

 

There was nothing going on between them, Ryan barely ever slept in the bed for anything to happen even if either wanted to. After that night that Beckett and Espo found Ryan unconscious on the floor and Castle tied to a chair in a dingy motel room, Ryan was staying in Esposito’s apartment because Tyon had stolen his wallet; he knew where Ryan’s apartment was.

 

But as the weeks passed, Espo was glad he had the excuse of Tyson knowing where Ryan lived not just because he enjoyed his partner’s company (that was a bonus, really) but because he soon realized that if he wasn’t there to remind Ryan to eat and sleep then he’d kill himself from dehydration before he stopped his search. What search? He was set on finding Tyson and getting his gun, badge and wallet back if he died trying.

 

The only sign that showed Ryan was even acknowledging what his partner was saying was the small shake of his head. He was still in that day's clothes; the jacket and tie were thrown carelessly to the couch. His button up shirt was loosened but on along with his slacks. His gelled hair was a mess from his hand constantly running through it and bruises pooled underneath his eyes from his lack of sleep lately. He looked like a complete mess.

 

Esposito sighed, tired of his persistence with this even though it was anything but healthy for him. “Kevin,” He tried again, “you need to get some sleep. Captain has already called you out on your decline in energy over the past month and the less sleep you get the more likely you are to get hurt on the job.”

 

“I’ll go to sleep in a minute, just let finish looking through these papers.” He was lying and Esposito knew he was because not only had he said that every night previous to this one, but his leg was twitching up and down-- something he only did when he lied. One of the perks of knowing his partner like the back of his hand, Espo thought.

 

“Bro, you said that an hour ago. Just get some sleep, maybe that’ll help your brain process all of what you’re sucking in.” Espo stood besides the Irishman and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, “Call it a night.”

 

At first, Esposito thought that Ryan was just going to ignore him, but after a few hesitant seconds of just flipping through the papers in his hands, Ryan finally sighed with a heavy nod, “Fine, I’ll take a break.”

 

Esposito knew he was pushing his luck, but he had  to try, “And tomorrow too, promise me you’ll take a break from this. You can only look into his past records so much until you’ve gotten every detail you could have possibly gotten.”

 

Ryan looked up to face his partner and Esposito could see how much Ryan wished he could stop this obsession just by the begging in his eyes. It was an internal struggle with himself, half wanting to put this chapter behind him and the other half of him refused to even budged just for the slight chance that he actually got somewhere.

 

Esposito lowered himself so he was looking his partner directly in the eyes. His hands rose to cup his cheeks, his stubble was rough against his hands. “Kevin, pause this until you find something else. You’re going to hurt yourself.”

 

“Okay,” Ryan finally gave in, “okay.” He repeated not to be obnoxious to his partner, but to convince himself that he needed to stop.

 

Esposito smiled, pulling his hands aways once he was sure that Ryan would be following him into the bedroom. Ryan stacked the loose papers with the main stack and drowsily followed Esposito through the hall into his bedroom.

 

“Bathroom’s yours, I finished earlier.” Esposito waved his hand towards the door before he stumbled into his side of the bed. Ryan nodded before slipping into the bathroom. Once the door shut, Esposito rolled over on his side to look at Ryan’s unofficial side of the bed. Now that Esposito thought about he, he never really saw Ryan sleeping in his bed during this whole ordeal; he was always awake when he went to bed and when he woke up. Espo couldn’t even be sure that Ryan actually scrawled into bed and got some sleep at all.

 

When Esposito heard the faucet shut off, he shut his eyes and peeked one eye open gingerly to see Ryan shuffle out, the bathroom light illuminating his frame before he flipped it off and the room went black. He felt the bed shift slightly as Ryan eased himself onto the mattress with a soft sigh.

 

Esposito knew that it should have felt weird; sharing a bed with his partner, but it didn’t. Which that should have been weird as well, but again it wasn’t.

 

He thought he heard Ryan mumble a thanks, but when he turned his head to acknowledge his appreciation he was sound asleep. The light from outside buildings casting itself through the window behind Ryan made it seem like he was glowing as his body rose and fell with each snore.

 

Esposito smiled and decided that even if Ryan was asleep and didn’t even say anything in the first place, he would, “You’re welcome, Kev.” Esposito whispered before falling asleep to the sound of his partner’s soothing snores.

  
  



	2. Eggs and Bacon with a Side of Frustration

The next morning, Esposito woke up to a chill coursing through his body. Grumbling under his breath he peeked an eye open to see Ryan keeping to his side of the bed...and all the blankets as well.

Espo reached over to tug on the blankets back to cover himself, but he quickly retracted his arm when he remembered that Ryan was barely giving his body any needed rest and couldn't find it in himself to risk waking him up over a damn blanket.

Esposito turned to check the time on his alarm clock,  _5:38._ He wanted to roll back over but he knew that he wouldn't be able to because he was already alert; his time in the military practically seared early rising into his mind.

With a grunt and some effort he rolled off the mattress and took his time stretching his tense muscles before standing. He was used to the bed to  _himself_  but now that he was temporarily sharing with his partner, he had to make sure he stayed to his side thus avoiding any awkward accidental compromising positions when they woke up.

He glanced towards his sleeping partner and leaned over to fix the blanket over his body. Esposito really hoped that he would  _stay_ asleep because God knows he needed it. He slipped out of the bedroom after pulling on a t-shirt from his dresser.

He walked into the kitchen and soon found himself sitting at the table with Ryan's endless stack of papers in front of him. He sifted through the papers on top and was not surprised to see any and all of Jerry Tyson's previous reports and anybody that had any sort of connection to him.

He knew it wasn't healthy; spending night after night pouring all of his energy into finding Tyson. They hadn't even heard a whisper on the street to clue them in, but Ryan was dead set on finding Tyson before something happened.

Esposito pitched the bridge of his nose with a heavy sigh. He knew he had to distance Ryan from all this, but he needed to do it in a way that wouldn't upset his partner. He figured he should start by packing away all these files for now.

So he stuck the papers into the empty folders, but made sure to keep it all according to Ryan's 'system'. A few moments later, he had the kitchen table cleared off for the first time since Ryan had been staying in his apartment.

Esposito tucked it into the top cabinet to keep it in a safe place. The sun was beginning to rise in the sky and started to gather the food he'd need for breakfast. A quick check in the fridge told him he'd need to run to the corner store to grab a carton of eggs.

He knew that Ryan would still be sound asleep by the time he got back, so he threw on his clothes and exited his apartment as quietly as he could.

As he walked down the sidewalk passing by other early bird New Yorkers, he pulled out his cell phone to call Beckett. She picked up on the third ring with a small yawn, " _Sheesh, Espo, what happened to letting the sun rise first?"_

Esposito smiled looking up at the sun shining in the sky, "The sun is up, Becks, maybe if you left Castle's bedroom once in a while you'd notice."

" _Ha ha,_ " Beckett gave a short laugh and shot back her own retort, " _I'm surprised_ you and Ryan  _aren't still in the bedroom._ "

Esposito rolled his eyes as he entered the store, "Yeah, well he doesn't even leave the kitchen table to go in the bedroom."

Once Beckett heard this the joking was immediately lost, " _Is he still worrying over that?_ "

Esposito went straight to the back of the store where the large refrigerators lined the wall, "Yeah, I'm trying to get him to take his mind off of it, so hopefully there's something today that keeps it that way."

" _We don't have a case, but I can stick him to paperwork._ " Esposito weighed her offer as he pulled a carton from the stack.

"He hates paperwork more than anything, but hopefully that'll keep his mind off of everything." Esposito walked back to the cashier, thankful that there was no one here this early to clog the lines.

" _Let's just hope he goes along with it._ " Esposito agreed with her and knowing his partner as well as he did, he knew that there was definitely a chance he would do anything he could to find a way to continue to slave over this Tyson's whereabouts.

Esposito grabbed his bagged eggs and quickened his pace to get back to his apartment; he wanted to have breakfast done before Ryan woke so he could convince him to stop for a meal. "I'll keep it all away from him, and you should have Castle distract him with something. You know he latches onto everything he says."

" _Good idea, I'll tell Castle. He'd be more than happy to help out._ "

"Alright, we'll see you soon." Esposito started to wrap up the conversation once he entered his building. He stuck his phone back into his pocket and released a sigh he didn't he'd been holding in.

Once again, Esposito was more than grateful that he knew the team would always be there for one another no matter what.

He entered his apartment and listened if Ryan was awake yet. He didn't hear the shower running and his kitchen was empty, so Espo assumed that he still had some time to start breakfast before his partner woke up.

He busied himself with scrambling eggs over the stove and frying up bacon. Around an hour or so later, he had the table set and the last of the bacon frying. He turned around to set a bowl of scrambled eggs with cheese when Ryan stumbled through the kitchen doorway. His hair was mussed and Esposito noticed Ryan threw on his wrinkled Yankee t-shirt that hung a little loose on his right shoulder.

Esposito's eyes raked over his partner and he gave an amused smile, "Get dressed in the dark?"

Ryan's lifeless eyes slowly lowered to look at the t-shirt he was wearing as he pinched it between his fingers, "Sorry, Javi, mine was dirty…"

Esposito waved him off and pulled out the chair, "Believe me, you're doing me a favor by finally changing."

Ryan rolled his eyes as he plopped into the kitchen seat, "You know, you didn't have to make breakfast."

Esposito shrugged his shoulders, "I know, but I figured since I was up."

Ryan nodded absently as he twirled his fork in his hand. Esposito watched him closely as he took a seat next to his partner; the Irishman was barely nibbling on his bacon. Esposito swallowed the eggs currently in his mouth and asked, "Aren't you hungry?"

Ryan blatantly ignored his question and asked his own, "How long are you keeping me from my case?"

Esposito eyed him over his glass of orange juice. He knew Ryan was waiting for an answer, but he really didn't want Ryan to be thinking about that. In fact, this was exactly what him and Beckett were trying to avoid, "Kev, it's not  _your_ case. You need to stop working yourself to death over it."

Ryan bit angrily into his fork, "It is because it's my gun that is in the hands of a serial killer." He slammed his fork onto his plate, the sound of glass clattering against metal echoed through the kitchen, "If you were me, you'd be doing the same thing!"

Esposito was surprised that their conversation had taken a 360 turn in a matter of seconds, but remained calm, "No, I wouldn't. Enough is enough! Goddamn it, Ryan, don't you see what you're doing to yourself?"

"I'm going to get my gun back where it belongs."

"Okay! We'll do it when we actually have a lead to follow, Kevin. Chasing around after our tails is making us look like idiots-"

Ryan huffed with his arms crossed over his chest, " _No._ It's making  _me_ look like an idiot because I'm the only one even trying to work on this!"

Esposito shook his head with a shake of his fork, "Seriously, bro?  _You know,_ Castle beat himself up for weeks after that night and he was by your side day after day trying to sort through anything that could help you. But even Castle realized this whole thing was making crazy!"

Ryan shot his mouth sharply and Esposito knew he made a mistake, "C'mon, Kevin, I didn't mean it like that."

Ryan pushed backwards off the table and stood up, "Yes, you did. You think I don't notice the way that you look at me? Or Beckett? Or Castle?  _Like I'm going to break any second._ "

"That's not true." Esposito challenged.

"Then why? Why can't I work this case until the end?"

"Because there's no where to go! You're at a dead end and I know you know it too."

"Fine, you win! Are you happy? No 3XK!" Ryan said before he turned on his heel to stomp down the hallway.

Esposito waited until he left before dropping his head in his hands. This was definitely not how he wanted this morning to go; he wanted to ease Ryan away from this one step at a time, but his stubborn ass partner made that difficult.

He pulled out his phone and sent Beckett a quick text, ' _Srry becks, we may be late. cover us?'_ He waited for the response a few minutes later, (' _sure np_ ') before he followed Ryan down the hall into his bedroom to try and get back on the right foot.

* * *

Esposito was sitting on the bed besides Ryan for at least fifteen minutes trying to decide how he should apologize when Ryan actually spoke up. "Sorry, Javi."

Espo looked over with raised eyebrows to his partner that was lying face down on his bed, still wearing only his stupid Yankee t-shirt and boxers. "I think there was a little of both of us to blame back there, Kev."

Ryan shrugged his shoulders, finally turning around to face Esposito, "That doesn't mean I'm not mad at you anymore though."

Esposito felt his nose wrinkle in confusion, "What-"

"I know you and the others don't think I should continue this search, but I think that maybe along the way he'll slip up and I'll catch a lead." Ryan explained cutting off his partner.

Esposito could understand a small part of where Ryan was coming from, but it wasn't worth all the trouble and stress he was putting himself through, "Years, Ryan,  _years_ he's been doing this and if you haven't noticed he has hardly slipped up before. You're a blind man in a dark room with this case, bro. It's not even a case."

Ryan took in a deep breath, "I don't want to fight, Javier."

Esposito scooted closer to Ryan, "Neither do I. So can you just meet me halfway and take a  _short_ break from this. Catch up on sleep, eating,  _Blue Bloods_...just step away from all of this until you're ready to go back."

Ryan laid still for a few moments shifting between staring up at the ceiling and at Esposito, but finally sighed in defeat, "Okay, I'll take a break."

Esposito smiled patting his partner on the back, "Great, man, but uh, you may wanna throw on some pants before we head off to work. Don't want to get Castle too excited."

Ryan rolled his eyes and shoved Espo with little to no force, "Shut up, besides, I think it's you I need to worry about sneaking free shows."

Esposito caught Ryan's soft smile and just like that, he knew that the tension was gone and they were back to being Ryan-and-Espo.

If only it would have stayed that way.


	3. Something More

By the time Ryan and Esposito stumbled into the precinct's elevator, they were an hour and a half late to work. They overslept after a Madden tournament that leaked into the early morning hours. This would be the third time they were late since they started sharing Esposito's apartment. You could only blame traffic so many times.

"Man," Esposito rubbed his eyes tiredly, "Beckett's going to kill us."

Ryan's eyes were closed as he tried to fix his tie. "I feel like I just fell asleep. Not to mention this pounding headache." Which was true; after two 6 packs of beer they finally shut off the X-Box at 6 in the morning.

"Next time, Madden doesn't exceed 3 am and beer is limited to two each." Esposito grumbled, "Let's just hope we're at our desks today because I am not chasing down any perps."

The beep signalling their floor caused Ryan to groan unhappily. "Here we go." He pushed himself off the wall. "Hopefully Beckett's busy and we can sneak in."

Right as the doors opened and they stepped through, their boss was glaring at them with her arms crossed. "I'm glad you could join us, boys."

Esposito and Ryan stopped in their tracks. Esposito cleared his throat, "Uh, Beckett we can explain. You know, that damn traffic." He laughed weakly.

"Uh-huh, and it had nothing to do with you two still on X-Box all night?"

"We weren't on-"

"Shut up, Ryan. Next time you two wanna play Madden until the sun comes back up, make sure I can't tell when you're playing just by logging onto Castle's account." She rolled her eyes, "Next time you're late because you girls were having a slumber party I will break your X-Box. Are we clear?"

"Yes."

"Yeah."

Ryan and Esposito sighed and threw a look at Castle who was cowering nervously behind Beckett, "I'm sorry, guys, I didn't know she checked. Really!"

Esposito narrowed his eyes, but turned away from the writer, "C'mon, Ry, let's go finish our paperwork. And figure how to kill a writer without getting caught."

Ryan nodded, "Coffee first. Then the writer."

Castle jumped from his seat next to Beckett's, "Coffee? I'll just run to the break room and grab you a cup, Ryan." He smiled and turned to Espo, "You too, 'Sito. Be right back."

Ryan and Esposito shared a victorious smile and fed the birds before slumping into the chairs waiting for Castle to come back with their coffees.

* * *

Ryan took another sip of his beer as they waited for the next round to begin in their video game. He knew by looking at the time that this would be their last game so they would wake up in the morning. They didn't want Beckett to break Esposito's X-Box.

Today would mark two full weeks since Ryan started his break on the case. Esposito never would have thought that Ryan would make it this long without caving back to 3XK. He was slowly, but surely getting better.

Ryan went to sleep on time, sometimes before Esposito (when they weren't up all night playing Madden. He ate dinner and even helped cook when Esposito pulled out the Spanish recipes. And slowly Ryan started to look alive again; his skin was no longer able to challenge a ghost's complexion and his eyes were practically glowing compared to how dead they had been.

Ryan figured now would be as good as time as any to say, "You know, Espo, I was thinking of heading back to my apartment soon. It's been over a 3 months since Tyson and I doubt he's stalking my apartment still."

Esposito turned his attention away from the tv, "What are you talking about, bro? You don't like staying with me?"

Ryan quickly shook his head, "It's not that, Javi. I just don't want to keep taking up half your bed, eating all your food. It's not fair."

Esposito paused the game now that it was loaded, "I don't mind, bro."

Ryan smiled, "I can't keep living off of you, Espo." He repeated, "It's not fair."

"You think it's not fair to me, but I could care less. You're safe here and you're good company." Esposito shrugged his shoulders, not wanting Ryan to leave just yet.

"I'm not a baby, Esposito. I can take care of myself, you know." Ryan huffed with a roll of his eyes.

"This is a serial killer; he's not going to give up that easy." He sighed deeply, "That night, when I saw you unconscious on the ground with blood on your forehead…" He squeezed his eyes shut. "I thought you were gone and I swear my heart stopped beating."

Ryan tried to lighten the mood with a joke, "Aw, Espo, you care."

But Espo didn't laugh or brush off his worrying with a blush, "Of course I do, Kevin. So yeah, I don't want you to go until Jerry Tyson is put away or dead. I can't go through something like that again." He sucked in a deep breath, "You're my partner, until the wheels fall off. And those wheels aren't going to fall off because you didn't want to kick me out of my bed. You're my partner and I lo-" Espo quickly shut his mouth, realizing he was about to say something he didn't want Ryan to know.

"What?" Ryan's eyes widened because he was he was fairly certain Esposito was about to say 'love'.

Espo's eyes met Ryan's and said, "I said, you're my partner."

Ryan stayed silent; they both knew he said something else. But neither were willing to talk about it first. Esposito took in Ryan's still shocked expression and cleared his throat, "I'm gonna head to bed...just shut everything off in here when you're done." He ended in a mumble as he pushed himself off the couch and hurried into his bedroom.

Ryan watched his partner disappear into the hallway and sighed. He messed up big time. He shouldn't have brought it up. But, more importantly he shouldn't have sat there like an idiot when Esposito was about to say "I love you". He should have said it for him. Esposito isn't good at all those feelings crap; that was more Ryan's department.

But love wasn't easy to say. Sure, deep down Ryan knew he was in love with his partner. But he wasn't sure he was ready for Esposito to know...well he wasn't sure before this night at least.

He must have lost control of his limbs halfway through his thoughts because he suddenly found himself outside Esposito's bedroom door. He blinked a few times asking himself if this is what he really wanted. If this was the right thing. The way that his heart started beating faster and faster at the thought of him and Javi both feeling the same gave him the courage to open the door.

He saw Esposito laying on top of the blankets with his clothes still on, staring at the wall. "Espo…?" He called softly from the doorway.

Esposito didn't say anything, he only moved closer to his side to give Ryan some space to lay. Ryan sighed at his silence, but moved forward and laid down next Esposito. "Javi, about before-"

Now Esposito rolled over and started to apologize to Ryan, "I know, Ryan. I'm sorry...I didn't mean it like...just ignore me, okay? You can go back to your apartment if you want. I just didn't want you to leave so soon and-"

As Esposito kept talking, Ryan surged forward and before Esposito could finish that sentence, Ryan smashed his lips onto Esposito's. It wasn't like any of the first kisses described in books; it was rough and filled with teeth.

Esposito pulled back first, his eyes wide looking into Ryan's big blue eyes, "What are you doing?"

"What you can't." Ryan whispered before he leaned in for another kiss. This time Esposito was ready and caught his lips in a much more enjoyable kiss. Their lips moved in sync and Esposito even found himself moaning into Ryan's mouth.

That thought set his mind back on track and realized he was kissing his best friend. His partner was shoving his tongue into his mouth between their hungry kisses and the crazy part was that Espo didn't care.

When Ryan pulled away for a breath, Espo whispered, "We're drunk, Ryan." Please don't be drunk.

He met Ryan's eyes and the Irishman whispered, "I'm not drunk."

Esposito laughed, "Neither am I."

"Good," Ryan said with a suggestive growl and pushed Esposito backwards until he was flush with his mattress. "Because I want us to remember this in the morning."

* * *

The soft sun bleeding through his window woke up Esposito the next morning. A happy sigh escaped him when he felt Ryan was still curled up in his arms.

Esposito closed his eyes with a soft smile, memories of last night happily filling his mind. The kisses, the breathless whispers and touching. He could still hear Ryan chanting his name over and over like Espo had just given him the secret to world peace as he released.

Esposito wanted that all over again every single night. He wanted Ryan to be his. Forever.

Not that he wanted Ryan to leave his arms or even stop the soft puffs of air he was blowing onto his bare chest from his snores, but Esposito knew that if they didn't hurry up soon they'd be late for work- again.

He ran his fingers softly up and down Ryan's back and placed a small kiss to the top of his head. He didn't say a word, but in a few moments Ryan was awake and smiling tiredly up at Esposito.

"G'morning, Javi." He mumbled sleepily into his chest. "How was your sleep?"

Esposito grinned, "Not as good as what I was doing just before I fell asleep, but I think this was the best night of sleep I've had."

Ryan smiled when he heard that last night wasn't just a mistake and he actually wanted to continue with whatever they were. "I was...I was okay?"

"You were perfect, Kevin." Esposito said easily with another kiss to the top of his head.

Ryan blushed, "So you'd like to do that again?"

Esposito smiled at how bashful he sounded, "You seemed much more confident last night."

Ryan turned his body and raised himself off Esposito's chest, "Are you avoiding the question?"

Esposito rolled his eyes, "I'd love to do that for the rest of my life." He said as he kissed the corner of Ryan's cheeky grin.

After a few hesitant moments, Ryan pulled himself off of Espo and pulled on his underwear that was lying on the ground. Espo laughed when Ryan straightened out his body and then gave Espo a self conscious, confused look.

"I hope it's cold enough for a turtle-neck today." He motioned to Ryan's neck. Ryan immediately looked down and saw a large bruise sucked onto his neck courtesy of his partner.

"Really, Javi?" Ryan groaned, but Esposito knew he wasn't really upset. "I'll have to borrow one of your scarves."

Esposito slipped on his own underwear and stumbled out of bed, "Maybe if you say please."

Ryan attached himself to Espo's arm and showered his cheek with kisses, "Does that count?"

Esposito smiled as they walked out into the kitchen, "Maybe."

* * *

That morning when they walked into work, Ryan could practically feel everybody's eyes on him. "Javi," He whispered, "Do you think they know?" He tugged on the red scarf around his neck.

Espo glanced at him quickly, "If you keep tugging on that, then yes."

Ryan grunted, but quickly pulled his hands away as they approached Castle and Beckett. The writer grinned with a whistle, "Hey, look they're on time today."

Esposito rolled his eyes because they weren't late that often recently. Writers just tend to hyperbolize things. "Wow, you're actually annoying me before 9 o'clock in the morning...oh wait that's nothing new."

"But you know what else is new? This." Castle smirked and tugged on Ryan's-sorry, Esposito's-scarf.

Ryan paled ever so slightly and swatted Castle's hand, "Cold." Was all he said. Castle shook his head with a laugh.

Through out the rest of the day, Castle continued to tease Ryan about his 'shivers' in the middle of spring. Halfway through the afternoon, Castle slipped out of the precinct and Ryan was glad for that until he came back with a bag.

"Oh Ryan!" He called as he exited the elevator waving the plastic bag in the air. When he was just behind Ryan, he pulled a red bundle from the bag and pulled it onto Ryan's head. "It's a hat to match you scarf. We don't want your ears to get cold."

As Ryan grumbled and he cheeks grew red enough to match his scarf and new hat, Beckett pulled Esposito over to the side. "Espo, what did you do with him last night?"

Esposito's heart sunk, how the hell did she figure it out already?, but he decided to play innocent until proven guilty, "What are you talking about?"

Beckett rolled her eyes, "Have you seen him? I haven't seen him smiling like this since before Tyson. Whatever happened last night really worked- I could tell the minute you stepped through the bullpen."

Esposito looked over at his partner smiled when he saw him laughing with a wide smile as Castle said something. Beckett was right, Ryan hadn't been smiling like that recently. It was nice to have him happy again. "I have missed that smile."

"Which is exactly why you need to keep up whatever you did last night. I don't care if you made cookies and watched The Breakfast Club. Just keep him smiling."

Esposito laughed and looked back at his partner (who had yet to remove the hat) and nodded, "Believe me, I will."

* * *

The next few days were bliss with falling asleep and waking up in each other's arms. With their new relationship, Ryan's persistence at the case slowly died down. Something they were all grateful for.

Although neither had the backbone to say those three words yet, it was obvious they both loved each other more than anything. It was obvious before they got together; that's why they're were such great partners. They loved each other before they even realized.

It was a slow day so far in the precinct so it was time for the team to sort through and fill out paperwork. Esposito was next to Ryan distracting himself from his paperwork when they got the call.

The ringing of Beckett's phone interrupted Esposito's sentence, but when she picked it up he went right back into their conversation. "Wanna catch a movie Friday? There's a new Bruce Willis film I've been waiting to see."

To anyone else it sounded like two friends scheduling a movie night-it wouldn't be the first time that Ryan and Esposito planned movie nights in the bullpen, so it wouldn't raise any suspicion, but what Esposito really meant was movie and some dinner afterwards like an actual date.

"I'll have to check if I'm free. I'm very busy on weekends." Ryan teased with a grin.

Esposito poked his ribs once and sighed, "I guess I'll have to ask Castle to come instead."

Ryan raised his eyebrows, "Oh really? Then maybe you want to ask Castle to do that thing to your thing tonight, too."

Esposito laughed and was about to retort back when Beckett interrupted them, "Ryan? It's for you."

Ryan and Esposito shared confused glances before Ryan stood up to take the phone from her hand. "Hello?"

"Ah, Detective Ryan so nice to finally get the chance to speak to you again."

Ryan's blood ran cold, "Tyson." He growled and quickly followed Beckett's silent hand waving order to switch the phone to speaker. "What do you want?"

"The real issue is what you want, correct? Your badge, your wallet...your gun." Tyson went on though Ryan stayed quiet. "I have them if you want. I just hope you don't mind I used your gun." Ryan's heart stopped. "Few times at a range, of course. I'm not an animal." He paused, "Until this morning."

Ryan felt his heart racing faster as he prayed that Tyson was lying. He had to be lying. "What are you talking about?"

"Young girl, barely 25. She's was a beautiful young woman, but she got mixed in some stuff she should have stayed out of. There was a request to take her out; quick and easy. 'Course my usually motive is not so random or how this poor woman was killed. But, I remembered I had your piece lying around so I thought why the hell not."

"No." Ryan didn't know what else to say.

Tyson's laughter bellowed from the phone speakers, "Yes, Detective. She's dead and your gun was used. Don't worry though, I made sure to tell her that because some cop couldn't hold onto his gun she was being killed with it...pleasant last thoughts, no?

"Check the subway on 34th. Don't even bother tracing this phone, it'll be offline sooner than you can blink." The line went silent and the team thought Tyson hung up until he ended with a guilt ridden farewell, "Why did you stop, Detective? You had to have been looking. Were you even trying? You could've saved her." And then the phone line went dead.

Esposito was the first to speak up, "Bro, don't listen to him. You know he would've killed her with your gun or another. It's not your fault." He went to rest his hand on Ryan's arm, but he was shoved away.

"Don't." Ryan warned quietly.

"Kevin, what-"

"You're the one that made me stop! I would've still been looking and maybe found him if you hadn't...distracted me." He made sure to be careful about what he said them being in the precinct surrounded by detectives and officers. "She's dead...because of me."

"Kevin," Esposito shot him a look as he lowered his voice hoping that Ryan would do the same. "Stop. This isn't your fault. You calm down and we'll check this out. We can get him."

"So I'm supposed to stay here? While you three run off and save the day? Months ago I wanted to catch him, but you said it was impossible. Suddenly now it can be done?" Ryan lowered his voice at least so they didn't grab the entire bullpen's attention. Already, some detectives were throwing them concerned glances.

"Yes! Your ass is not leaving that chair until we come back. You're too close to this case-you know that." Esposito tried to close the distance between them, but Ryan pushed him away again.

"Ry, we'll go through anything they find here. Espo and Beckett will call." Castle offered, "I'll stay with him." He turned to Beckett and Esposito.

"No." Ryan said already grabbing his coat.

Esposito finally grabbed ahold of his arm, "Where do you think you're going?"

"Well since I'm already kicked off this case, I'm going home. You obviously don't need me. I'd just cause a bigger problem." Ryan sneered before yanking his arm from Esposito's grip and stomping to the elevator.

Esposito went to follow him, but Beckett grabbed his arm. "No, give him space. He's not going near that subway-I've already made sure the officers down there not to let him through. Besides, I don't think he'd try-he's going home."

Esposito heeved a sigh, "God, I'm such an idiot."

Beckett narrowed her eyes, "Why? Because you cared about him enough to make sure he didn't work himself to death with 3XK? If he kept up, he would be a wreck right now-physically and Tyson still would've killed this girl and Ryan would have taken it even worse."

Beckett softened her tone, "I don't know how you do it, but you get through to him, Espo. Just a few months ago he was like a zombie coming into work every morning with only dozens of cups a coffee to keep him awake. But then you did exactly what he said, you distracted him from all that mess and he slowly was back to being our Kevin Ryan.

"However you got through to him and however you helped, you're just going to have to do it again. When he's ready just help him through this new mess." Beckett said softly rubbing his arm, "Let's head down and see if we can pick up any clues to finding this prick and when we get back to the precinct you can call and check up on him."

Esposito sighed sadly and nodded in defeat, "You're right."

* * *

Ryan slammed the door to his apartment shut hard. His apartment wasn't that messy; there was a great deal of dusting needed but Ryan and Esposito had dropped in a few times here or there to keep everything else in order.

He kicked his shoes off, grumbling under his breath about how much of an asshole Esposito was. He should have let him continue searching 3XK.

He wasn't going to just sit around and do nothing when the team busted their asses to save the day. It was his gun after all. It was his fault. He shucked off his jacket and tie on his way to his bedroom. Underneath his bed he had secret copies of Tyson's files that he could look through, find connections he had to other possible hits. Ryan thought that Tyson only took care of people he wanted to, but if this girl he killed today was a hit there could be more.

Sighing he sat on his bed to unbutton his button up shirt and pull it off so he was comfortable in a t-shirt and his pants to spend the night searching through the files. He leaned over to pull out the cardboard box from under his bed...only to find it not there.

He could have sworn he left it there. It was there last week when Ryan and Esposito ran back to grab Ryan some more clothes. "What the hell?" He ran a hand through his hair growing worried when a sudden voice from the doorway startled him.

"Looking for something, Detective Ryan?"

Ryan lifted his head to see the last person he'd ever want to see leaning on his door frame, Jerry Tyson.


	4. You're wrong

"I shouldn't have let him leave." Esposito repeated for the dozenth time since him, Beckett and Castle arrived at the crime scene.

They were just walking away from the body, a young woman named Kelly Huick, shot in the head. After a quick test of the bullet would most likely confirm Tyson's taunting of him using Ryan's gun.

Beckett sighed as she finished up the last of her notes for now, "Espo, you cannot blame yourself for this. We all know she would have been killed either way."

"Yeah, but this is my partner, Beckett, and he now thinks it's his fault. He's mad at me and I don't think I blame him." Esposito shrugged his shoulders as they began up the steps to the street. "He shouldn't be going through this alone, I should have went with him."

Castle patted his shoulder gently, "You know he wouldn't have let you. Besides, this just gives him a few hours to come down."

Beckett could still tell that it was upsetting Esposito, so she said, "We'll head back to the precinct and set up the murder board. Once we're finished, we'll head to his apartment and talk with him."

Esposito nodded, and Castle offered him a small smile, "He'll be okay."

 _He better be,_ Esposito thought.

* * *

It had been 3 and a half hours since Ryan stomped out of the bullpen and all Esposito wanted to do was find his partner and hold him until all the pain went away.

Beckett was finishing up writing some details of the case under the pictures up on the board, but Esposito really didn't want to wait any longer. "Beckett-"

"Espo," Her writing didn't pause as she addressed her partner, "Stop fidgeting. We'll head out now." She finished her sentence and capped the black Expo marker.

Truly, Esposito wanted to go visit his partner (was it too early to call him his boyfriend? He didn't think so, but he'd have to check with Ryan first) alone so he didn't have to keep the comfort  _friendly_. But, Beckett and Castle were his friends too and they were worried.

Just as Castle stood from his chair to follow the already coat clad Esposito, a cell phone rang. A familiar tune sang out, " _Wise men say only fools rush in-"_ Esposito answered his cell phone before anymore of the song could be played. He blushed and watched as Castle's eyebrows quirked at the song, but swallowed and answered anyway.

"Kev, bro, you okay?"

" _J-Javi, I'm sorry."_  Ryan's shaking voice filled the other line.

When Esposito heard his partner's tear filled voice, any worry of Castle figuring out why Esposito had a love song for Ryan's ringtone flew from his mind. "Kevin. What's wrong?"

Beckett and Castle both noticed the urgency in Esposito's voice. Castle's smirk disappeared and Beckett gestured to his phone to change it to speaker. Esposito knew that he didn't want the entire bullpen hearing this private conversation, so he hurried into the break room with Castle and Beckett behind him. Castle made sure to lock the door and pull down the shades as Esposito set his phone on the table.

" _It's my fault,"_  Ryan sobbed into the phone, "She's dead."

Esposito felt his heart racing, "Kevin, where are you? Are you home?"

" _I deserve it."_  Ryan ignored Esposito's inquiry and that only increased Espo's heart rate.

Castle sat next to Espo and spoke down at the phone, "Kevin, come on, buddy. Just calm down and we'll talk about this over a drink."

After a second of hesitation, Ryan said, " _I love you guys. Rick, Kate, Javi...I love you._ " Esposito squeezed his eyes shut, Ryan was saying ' _I love you, Javi'_ without making it too obvious.

Beckett voiced his fears, "Kevin, what are you doing?"

Another pause, " _I'm shaking too much to write a note...I couldn't leave without saying goodbye."_

Esposito felt a fire burn in his stomach, "Don't even think about it, Ryan.  _Don't you fucking dare."_ He had his hands gripping the edge of the table as a tear rolled off the tip of his nose. "You've got another thing coming if you really think you're going to leave me." He took a deep breath, "You're my partner-"

Ryan's sob broke him off, " _Javi, I'm sor-"_  But Esposito cut him off right back.

" _You are my partner,_ " He repeated, "Until the wheels fall off." He scoffed, "Those wheels haven't broken yet. They never will and you know that. So don't you dare do this."

" _They'll work better once I hop off._ " Esposito felt a shiver down his spine when he heard Ryan's whisper and it sounded like his partner was right behind him. But he wasn't. He was in his apartment, alone, about to kill himself.

"I'm going to your apartment now. Don't you fucking do anything." Esposito was not about to let his corazon die alone-  _no, he wasn't going to let him die at all._

Ryan stuttered, " _I'm not, Javi, I'm not home."_

Esposito narrowed his eyes at the phone, "You're a Goddamn liar, Kevin Ryan."

" _Don't try and stop me, Javier. I don't deserve to live when that woman lost hers._ It's not fair _."_  He paused for a moment to sniffle loudly before he ended the conversation, " _I'm sorry. Goodbye…"_

By the time he hung up, Esposito was screaming and cursing at the phone. Castle grabbed his arm to hold him back from throwing the closest chair into the window. Hot tears burned down his cheeks, but he didn't notice.

Castle caught his eyes and he straightened himself out before announcing, "We're going to his apartment. Now." Esposito shook his head, still in disbelief that his partner was sobbing in his apartment, alone, about to end it all.

* * *

Ryan didn't move from his seated position on his bed, "Jerry Tyson, the nerve you have showing your face here." He wouldn't let him see how terrified he really was.

Tyson only laughed, " _Ooh,_ I'm so scared." He took his weight off the door frame, "If this will end up like our last scuffle, why don't you just give up now?"

Ryan narrowed his eyes, "I will end you. I can promise you that."

Tyson walked a few steps closer, and Ryan tried his best not to visibly back away with each step forward. "I'm sorry to inform you that you will be the one dying tonight." Well, he didn't beat around the bushes.

Ryan laughed, hoping that he couldn't sense the anxiety, "Because what's another body to your count, right?"

Tyson smirked as he took a seat next to Ryan on his bed. He draped an arm across Ryan's shoulder and Ryan eyed his hand warily as it patted his arm. Tyson's hot and rancid breath directly in his ear caught his attention to turn his head just in time for Tyson to whisper, "I won't be killing tonight. I don't feel like getting my hands dirty, so you'll do it yourself."

"What?" Ryan couldn't stop the shocked confusion seep through his voice.

Tyson laughed, "You're going to kill yourself." Ryan's previous plan of remaining stoic was just about forgotten when Tyson's lips upturned into a sneer.

Ryan gulped, "You can't make me. I won't." Now he lifted his hand subtly to his side where his weapon was attached to his hip. He was so close.

"Ah, ah, ah," Tyson shook his head, "We wouldn't want another death at the end of your gun, now would we?"

"Shut up." Ryan growled, his hand not quite bridging the small gap to his gun. He couldn't - _wouldn't-_ hesitate to take him down.

"Why don't you just listen to what I have to say before you jump to decisions, huh?" There was the arm rubbing again, like he was Ryan's old buddy. "Don't you think that you deserve to die? You ended a young girl's life."

Ryan shook his head, "That was  _you_. You shot her with my gun."

"Eh, same difference."

" _I didn't kill her."_ Ryan's hands curled into fists by his sides as he pushed himself off the bed, out of Tyson's hold.

Tyson's eyebrow quirked, "Who are you trying to convince?  _Me_ or  _yourself?_ "

That made Ryan stop and ponder that question himself. He had been so sure that this entire mess was Tyson's fault, but now he wasn't so sure.  _It was his gun_. So was it his responsibility? Tyson noticed the gears now turning in the detective's mind, "You cannot run from this. You are no different than me."

"I'm not a killer." Ryan said with a glare. The only way he could keep himself believing that was imagining Javier hold him close and tell him he wasn't a killer. He didn't think Ryan killed that woman, right?

But what if he did? Maybe that's why he just let him stomp out of the precinct, because Esposito couldn't stand the sight of a killer. He was able to walk around and live his life, while a family was burying a daughter. Did she have a husband? Kids? Siblings? Just how many people's lives did he ruin by letting Tyson get a hold of his weapon?

While Ryan was preoccupied with kicking himself over and over in his mind, Tyson used his distraction to slide next to him. Ryan was muttering under his breath, " _I'm a killer…"_  A sudden pressure on his temple brought his attention back to Tyson.

Tyson held the detective's gun he had 'borrowed' to his head and whispered, "You are going to do exactly as I say or else after I kill you, I'll go after your little family of detectives. Starting with your boyfriend."

Ryan's face turned ghostly white as he felt an iron hand grip his heart tight and refuse to let go. Did Tyson really know of him and Javier's relationship or was that a taunt? He didn't really want to take a chance. "They don't deserve to die...I do…" He ended in a broken whisper.

Tyson grinned, "Exactly, so you be a good boy and listen to me or I'll make sure three more people are killed with your gun before I kill you slowly. You know the three people, I'm sure." He watched as Ryan nodded curtly and took this as a sign to continue, "Call your partner."

"Why?"

Tyson narrowed his eyes, "You'll need a note. A phone call will be much more heart shattering to them. Limited to 3 minutes and if you mention anything besides saying goodbye, I'll go and shot them dead."

Ryan pulled his phone out of his pocket, "Okay, I'm going."

Tyson watched as he got his partner on the phone fairly quickly and put on a good show of about to commit suicide. But, as he broke down over the phone, he smiled realizing that Ryan actually thought he  _deserved_ to die.  _Oh, this was too easy._

Ryan lifted the ringing phone shakily to his ear and waited for his partner to pick up. Half of him hoped that maybe he wouldn't so he didn't have to go through this, but Javier never ignored khis calls; especially when Ryan was upset. And sure enough, a few seconds later he heard his partner's voice on the other end of the line, " _Kev, bro, you okay?"_  'Bro' meant that there were others with him, no doubt Castle and Beckett.

Ryan couldn't believe what he was doing; he was about to kill himself and he was saying goodbye to the love of his life over the phone. He felt his fingers tighten around the phone as he cried, "J-Javi, I'm so sorry."

" _Kevin, what's wrong?"_ Ryan felt his heart break even more when Javier continued to worry.

"It's my fault," Ryan didn't know how to make him understand. He killed a woman. Not Jerry Tyson,  _Kevin Ryan_. " _She's dead."_

Esposito barely wasted a breath before responding, " _Kevin, where are you? Are you home?"_ He could practically see Esposito's chestnut eyes widen, just about scared out of his mind.

He needed Esposito to understand that this was best for everyone, and not to be too upset with him, "I deserve it."

Castle's voice came over the phone and he hated how wrecked he sounded, " _Kevin, come on, buddy. Just calm down and we'll talk about this over a drink."_

They wanted him to forget, but he couldn't.

He knew he was ripping their family into shreds by doing this; wouldn't be the first one he's torn up recently. It was only a matter of time, really. It was hard, knowing he was about to leave this world forever leaving the friends he'd come to consider family. Leaving without another midnight showing of movies down at  _Jerry's_ dollar movies with Beckett that only they could stand. He would never be able to sing karaoke with Castle at his parties when they had just a little (read: a lot) to drink. Falling asleep innocently curled up in Javier's arms only to wake up the next morning to needy kisses and some dry-humping that leads to lazy morning sex.

At these realizations, he almost fell to his knees as his legs shook along with his hands. "I love you guys," He sobbed, "Rick, Kate, Javi... _I love you._ " Okay maybe that last 'I love you' was meant directly for his lover.

" _Kevin, what are you doing…?"_ There was Beckett.

Ryan looked over at Tyson and even though his tears made his vision blurry, he was able to see Tyson's beedy eyes as he slowly said, "I'm shaking to much to write a note...I couldn't leave without saying goodbye…"

Ryan flinched when Esposito immediately screamed so loud that Tyson could hear him from his spot just a foot away, " _Don't even think about it, Ryan._  Don't you fucking dare." Ryan covered his mouth as his partner continued to yell, "You've got another thing coming if you really think you're going to leave me."  _I don't want to, baby._ "You're my partner-"

Ryan didn't want to hear that. He couldn't hear his partners say those words, or this would be a million times harder than it already was. "Javi, I'm sor-"

Esposito just continued on, not fazed by Ryan's interruption, he even seemed stronger, "You are my partner," He repeated, " _Until the wheels fall off. Those wheels haven't broken yet. They never will and you know that. So,_ don't you dare do this _."_

Ryan couldn't do this anymore, he had to hang up soon. He whispered into the phone as if he was whispering in Esposito's ear, "They'll work better once I hop off."

" _I'm going to your apartment now. Don't you fucking do anything."_ Was Esposito's just as broken response.

Ryan looked over at Tyson seeing his shake of the head, he couldn't let Espo come yet. "I'm not, Javi, I'm not home."

" _You're a Goddamn liar, Kevin Ryan."_

"Don't try and stop me, Javier. I don't deserve to live when that woman lost hers." Ryan snapped _. "It's not fair."_ He took in a deep breath to calm his breathing, "I'm sorry. Goodbye…" knowing that if he continued to talk to his partner, he wouldn't be able to do it in the end. He dropped the phone carelessly to the ground where it laid on the ground with Javier's contact picture smiling up at him. He closed his tear filled eyes unable to look at it any longer.

Tyson meanwhile watched it all undergo in front of him for kicks. He even got the satisfaction of hearing the detective's partner freaking out on the other end of the phone. By the time Ryan hung up, both partners were a mess and Tyson gave himself a half hour tops before he had the police knocking down the door.

"Are you ready?" Tyson smirked as he pulled the four pills from his jacket pocket. He wasn't sure  _exactly_ what they were; his people had given them with the promise that they were strong. In a matter of minutes, the one that ingested it would have no control over their limbs; completely limp. Exactly what he needed.

He was able to catch Ryan by surprise, his eyes still being shut, and shoved the pills into his mouth. Ryan resisted, but not as much as he would have any previous day. The conscious part of his brain that wasn't believing all this crap Tyson was telling him, was still trying to keep itself alive.

Tyson made sure to keep his hand over Ryan's mouth and nose until he watched his Adam's apple bob with each swallow. He stuck his finger in his mouth and felt around for the pills if he tried to pull anything over on him.

Finding that all were swallowed, he shoved Ryan onto the floor and headed into the bathroom, "Stay there, puppet. I'll be out in a moment to fetch you." Ryan watched him disappear into the bathroom.

When Ryan's knees collided to the floor his brain caught up to the fact he just swallowed a handful of pills, he realized he was going to die.  _He didn't want to die._

Whether it was his fault or not, he didn't want to give up his life. He had only just gotten the chance to call Javier his. He wasn't ready to give that up. He wanted at least 60 more years of holding each other, exchanging soft kisses, waking up to Javier every morning, and hey, if they were still going at it like bunnies when they were 80, who was he to complain?

He pushed himself up to his hands and knees when he heard Tyson return. He wanted to yell and scream, but his mouth couldn't form the words. He struggled to keep himself up, the effect of the drugs fully hitting him. "N-no," He rasped out.

Tyson eyed him curiously before wrapping his arms around his wrists and successfully dragging him into the bathroom. "What's that, Detective? I'm afraid I cannot understand you."

Ryan slurred, "Don' wanna die." As he tried to thrash out of Tyson's grip that seemed impossible to break.

Tyson laughed, short and loud, "Too late, I'm afraid. You've already made up your mind."

Ryan wanted to continue resisting, but he physically couldn't anymore by the time his body reached the cold tile floor of his bathroom. He watched with drooped eyelids as Tyson slumped him against the wall and began to undress him.

He turned his attention from Tyson's stubby digits now pulling off his button up shirt to the running bath besides him. Was he gonna give him a bath?

His eyes drooped shut and the next time they opened, his bare back and legs made contact with the cold metal tub. His eyes shot open wide as he looked up to see Tyson rising to his full height and check out his work with a smile.

Ryan felt the freezing cold water running on his feet, but it wasn't accumulating in the tub yet. His boxers, the only piece of clothing that Tyson had the decency to leave him in, were still just about dry.

He felt tears pricking his eyes again as he desperately tried to pull himself up because  _he didn't want to die_. "S'op, please…" It was barely a whisper, probably not even heard over the rushing bath water from the faucet.

Tyson leaned down again, but this time he pulled the drain up, so the water would now stay in the tub. Ryan could already feel the freezing cold water puddling at his feet. That was when he realized that Tyson was leaving him in this tub so this frigid water would slowly, but surely drown him.

"Farewell, Detective Ryan." Tyson sneered before flipping off the light switch of the bathroom before he exited with the slam of the door.

Ryan was left alone in the dark with only the sound of rushing water and the freezing water slowly inching its way up the tub. This was it, Ryan realized, he was about to die. Leave his friends' and family's lives forever. And as he closed his eyes for the last time, he didn't find himself praying to God or thinking about what he accomplished in life. The only thought he bothered to waste his energy to muster was Javier Esposito. His partner holding him the morning after sex that continued until the sun came up and waking him up with a soft kiss to the top of his head. And an even softer, whispered, ' _I love you.'_

The water was already sending chills throughout his entire body, but he managed to whisper one more time without a shiver, "I love you, too, Javier…"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Fun Fact behind Ryan's ringtone...being the Kevin Ryan trash I am, I've read _The Ryan Report_ entries probably dozens of times because they're really cute and anyway, he mentioned in one of his blog entries that he adores Elvis (Who doesn't?) and of course Javi knows about his dorky little obsession and thus, _'I Can't Help Falling in Love With You'_ was chosen for his phone. Not only Elvis' greatest love song, but probably one of the greatest love song of all time.**


	5. Romance of Javi and Kevin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title has nothing to do with the chapter. My little brother was reading over my shoulder(sometimes i forget he learned how to read tbh) and thought it was a fitting title. it really isn't
> 
> I know nothing on codeine, but from what i've barely researched I think it worked well with the drug bc i wasn't even gonna have a specific drug but i figured it'd make more sense.

“Doesn’t this thing go any faster?” Esposito yelled at Beckett from the backseat.

 

“Legally? No.” Beckett said back, looking at him in the rearview mirror for a stolen second.

 

“Then throw on the lights,” Esposito pounded his fist against the seat in front of him. “This is a fucking emergency.”

 

Beckett flipped the sirens on and sped up as the cars in front of her began to move out of her way. “Calm down, Espo, we’ll be there in less than five minutes.”

 

“You don’t understand, something’s wrong.” Esposito clenched his teeth as he stared out the window waiting for the familiarity of Kevin’s block to come.

 

“I know, Javier, he’s about to kill himself.” Beckett knew that she shouldn’t sound so harsh, but Esposito wasn’t the only one about to lose a brother and she tended to get snippy in these situations.

 

Esposito swallowed thickly trying to think of anything else other than his baby taking his life away, “No. He sounded different. I think…” He ran his hand over his face, “Something’s wrong.” He repeated.

 

Beckett sighed, “Okay well we’re almost there so let’s just worry about stopping him.”

 

“He was second guessing himself, we have a chance.” Esposito said already about to jump out of the car when he saw his boyfriend’s apartment building only a block ahead.

 

“How do you know he’s pushing it off?” Castle asked from the shotgun seat.

 

Esposito edged closer to the door when Beckett was pulling up to the sidewalk, “I know my partner and he didn’t sound right on the phone. He wouldn’t do this...he’s asking for help. He wants to be stopped.” Before Beckett even pulled the key from the ignition, Esposito was throwing himself out of the car.

 

Beckett and Castle were right on his heels, “God, I hope he’s right.” Beckett whispered to Castle. He nodded in agreement as he grabbed the door behind Espo before it shut on their faces.

 

Esposito ran directly to the stairs, knowing that the elevator in Kevin’s building was slow as Molasses and had a thing for breaking down between floors. Getting stuck in the elevator was the last thing he needed.

 

By the time he reached Ryan’s floor, Esposito had his spare key in hand ready to stick it in the door, assuming he locked it behind him. He counted down as he passed Ryan’s neighbor’s doors. He could hear Castle and Beckett running just behind him, but he was focused on getting into Ryan’s apartment.

 

“2-21!” Esposito yelled out his partner’s apartment number even though Castle and Beckett were right behind him. He stuck the spare key into the doorknob and had it unlocked in a second. The door slammed open and immediately Esposito began yelling, “Kevin! Where are you?!” He hoped Castle and Beckett didn’t hear how his voice was breaking.

 

Esposito ran towards Ryan’s bedroom, but Castle heard it before he did. “Espo! Bathroom!” Esposito tuned his ears to the sound of rushing water in the bathroom. Esposito turned to the small door and pounded heavily against it after he realized it was locked, “Kevin? Answer me, damn it!”

 

He felt an arm on his shoulder and knew it was Castle. Espo turned around, “Stand back,” Right after Castle and Beckett paid heed to the demand, Esposito pulled his leg back and sent it full force into the bathroom door.

 

The door exploded into small pieces of wood and finally Esposito was able to punch the rest of the door out to get into the bathroom. When his eyes laid on his partner, he almost fell to his knees and cried.

 

The water was beginning to pool out of the tub and flood the floor, but Ryan had one arm hooked around the edge like he had been trying to pull himself out of the tub. The water was just above his nose, and he was unconscious.

 

“Call 911!” Esposito barked as he fell to his knees next to his partner. He grabbed Ryan’s arms and gritted his teeth at how cold they were. Please don’t be dead, he begged when he felt how cold he was. Thankfully, Castle was next to him in a heartbeat and helping to pull out his legs.

 

Castle hissed when he felt the water, “That’s fucking freezing,” But the temperature didn’t faze him, it only encouraged him to pull his friend out quicker.

 

Between Castle and Esposito, they were able to Ryan out in a few seconds. They laid him down on the puddled ground and Esposito was immediately checking his pulse. His shaking fingers lined up underneath Ryan’s ear and even though at first he felt nothing, soon his fingers picked up the fading pulse.

 

“He’s alive,” Esposito announced with a breath of relief before he started compressions.

 

30 compressions, breath. 30 compressions, breath. 30 compressions, breath.

 

He continued to try and get Ryan breathing again, while Beckett was on the phone with emergency services. He didn’t hear her give her badge number and order a bus to get down here as soon as possible. He was too busy focusing on his partner.

 

“C’mon, damn it, Kevin. Don’t you do this to me.” He growled as he conducted the next 30 compressions.

 

Beckett hung up the phone and stood behind Castle, the two helplessly watching as Esposito struggled to revive their brother. Beckett felt the hot tears trail down her face when she watched Esposito finish the 30 compressions on his limp body before leaning to cover Ryan’s mouth with his.

 

“You said you loved me, baby.” Beckett lifted her head from Castle’s shoulder when she heard Esposito talking. “I can’t live without you, corazon.” His confession made Beckett drag a hand up to cover her mouth as she let loose a quiet sob. She knew something was different about her boys, but she didn’t know that was why. “Why would you do this if you love me?”

 

Esposito leaned over to place his lips against Ryan, but this time he wasn’t breathing air into his lungs; he was leaving a feather light kiss on the top of his head. “Don’t leave me, Kevin. Please.”

 

Beckett couldn’t watch it anymore, she turned her head into Castle’s shoulder to hopefully muffle her tears. Castle was as surprised as she was when he saw the chaste kiss. He was turning around to look away from their mourning friend when a sudden, violent, cough broke the silence.

 

Both Beckett and Castle whipped their heads toward their partners and saw Ryan coughing up water. Esposito pushed him to his side so he didn’t choke on the water he was spitting up. Esposito was rubbing his back to calm him down and Castle kneeled back down to help pull Ryan up once his coughing subsided.

 

He didn’t wake up, but his breathing was now noticeable; labored and uneven, but present.

 

“Thank God,” Esposito muttered pulling his partner close into his arms, “You’re not getting away from me that easily.” He was back to placing small kisses on Kevin’s cheeks.

 

Castle watched as Javier held his partner tightly and spoke to him in a hushed tone, “I’m here, baby. I won’t leave you alone again.” He really never expected Ryan and Esposito to be more than friends. Sure, he could easily see them together, but he never thought they’d tell each other how they felt.

 

It seemed like forever before the responders finally came rushing into the bathroom, ushering everyone away from Ryan. Castle and Beckett watched as Esposito let go of his partner, but stayed close. The doctors began to check over Ryan and strapped him down to the stretcher.

 

Beckett pulled Esposito out of the doctors’ way. The three stood helplessly to the side as Ryan’s limp body was jostled around slightly. Esposito wanted to at least drape his jacket over his underwear clad body, but Ryan was already being rushed from the bathroom when he started to pull it off his arms.

 

“He’ll be okay,” Beckett promised as she brought Esposito in for a hug, “The best thing we can do for him is just be here.”

 

*              *                   *

Castle bet that by the time that they heard anything about Ryan’s condition, Esposito would need a new pair of shoes. For the past hour and a half, the half of the Ryan-and-Espo dream team that wasn’t in a hospital bed, was pacing the lobby waiting for news.

 

“Why don’t you sit down for a few minutes, Espo. They’ll let us know about his condition the minute they can.” Castle patted the empty seat besides him.

 

“M’good, Castle.” Esposito responded, but didn’t pause his pacing.

 

“Castle’s right, Espo, worrying yourself over this isn’t what he’d want you to do.” Beckett tried to convince Esposito to calm himself down as well.

 

Esposito finally stopped moving to direct his narrowed eyes at his two partners. He threw a hand towards the emergency room doors with a growl, “If he didn’t want me to worry then I highly doubt he would have put himself in here.”

 

Castle swallowed thickly, “Like you said. Something was wrong...maybe we misunderstood something.” He had forgotten most times that Ryan had put himself in that bed. He couldn’t imagine their happy Kevin Ryan to ever want to end his life.

 

“A misunderstanding better be behind all this because if he really tried to kill himself,” Esposito clenched his fists, “when he wakes up, I’m gonna fucking kill him myself.”

 

Neither Beckett nor Castle decided not to respond to that, but thankfully the uncomfortable silence ended before it started when the doors finally opened and a doctor emerged. He stood just outside the doors and after checking his clipboard, announced, “Family of Kevin Ryan.”

 

Esposito pivoted back to face the doors and was over at  the doctor’s side in three steps. Albeit, Castle and Beckett were slower than Espo, they were right behind him. Beckett was the one that answered, “That’s us,”

 

The doctor nodded and introduced himself, “I am Doctor Elliot, and am overseeing Detective Ryan’s case. Is one of you Javier Esposito?” He asked after rechecking Ryan’s emergency contacts.

 

“That’s me, I’m his partner.” Esposito nodded hastily, not caring about anything other than finding out if his partner was okay or not. “How is he?”

 

Doctor Elliot made a face that scared Esposito, “To be honest, he cut it very close. Between the water in his lungs and the amount of codeine in his body...he definitely overdosed.” Esposito used all his strength to hold back a punch into the wall. “But, we flushed it all from his system in just enough time where he should make a decent recovery.”

 

Castle was grateful for that, even though he knew it would take some time for Ryan to recover from this. “Why do I feel like that’s not all?”

 

Doctor Elliot sighed, “As I said before, he had ingested a large amount of codeine, therefore his body would not have been functioning properly enough for him to hold himself up in the tub. Which is why he was able to just about drown himself.”

 

Esposito flinched at the doctor’s blunt wording, “But he was slumped over the edge...he didn’t want it.”

 

Doctor Elliot shrugged his shoulders, “And I’m sure in his last seconds he realized that he was making a mistake, but the drug was too powerful and he couldn’t keep himself up above water long enough. It was the drowning that cut off oxygen to his brain and checking his charts, it was gone for a worrying amount of time.”

 

“What are you trying to say?” Esposito snarled, though the doctor had nothing to do with the answer.

 

“I’m afraid to inform you that Detective Ryan is in a coma.”

 

Esposito felt his heart skip a beat and let his body sag against the doorframe, “When are you getting him out of it?” He asked ridiculously. He of course knew that it wasn’t up to doctors or even him to decided when his partner woke up; only Kevin had that say.

 

But, his rational thinking was thrown out the window when his partner called to give his suicide note.

 

“We have no idea of knowing when or how he’ll wake up.” He briefly looked at all three of the detectives before continuing hesitantly, “I can’t even tell if he’ll wake up. Just the overdose alone was bad, but adding the drowning is brutal. It’s just too soon to tell.”

 

In a flash, Espo had the doctor up against the wall with a balled fist to his face. With bared teeth, Esposito warned him, “Listen, I don’t know who you think you’re talking about, but that is my partner. My partner is not going to give up when he knows that I’m here worrying my ass off. He ain’t gonna die because the wheels are still on, damn it.”

 

Beckett and Castle moved closer to pull Espo off of him, but the doctor waved them off before addressing Esposito, “Of course, I believe your partner has every intent of fighting through this. But there’s always a chance.”

 

Esposito let go of the man’s white coat and shook his head, “Not with Kevin. He wouldn’t hurt me like this.”

 

When Beckett heard this, she was greeted with a flashback to the crime scene --that word sounded too ugly in her mouth when used in context with Ryan-- of Esposito holding Ryan in his arms, calling him corazon and kissing him. Right, they were together and that only made it hurt so much more.

 

“When can we see him?” Esposito asked when he saw that Doctor Elliot didn’t have much left to say.

 

“I can only permit family members.” He answered, already knowing the stink he would get from a certain detective. And sure enough he did.

 

“Family? Like we aren’t family enough?” Esposito snorted, “In case you haven’t noticed, no one else is here. If he had family that gave a shit, I’m sure they’d be here. His parents haven’t spoken to him in years and his sister is probably exploring Ireland for the 100th time.

 

“We are his family. And if you don’t let us in, then no one will be in there with him and he sure as hell will die because he hates being alone. He’ll think everybody just left him to die. So please, if you want to save him, let us in!”

 

Doctor Elliot sighed in defeat, “You are his emergency contact…follow me, then.”

 

Castle gave Esposito a thumb up for getting them into his room before the three followed the doctor down the hall and through several doors until they reached a large open room, unlike the narrow hallways they walked through.

 

The moment they stepped through the ICU doors, the hustle and bustle of the hospital was replaced with a dreadful silence save for the drone beep of machines hooked up. The room had a circular set up with a small reception desk in the center and a small desk for the nurses outside the room.

 

The three felt out of place, walking down the curving line of rooms and families were packed into the rooms sitting silently by their loved ones beds. Strangers nodded to them as they passed, as a way of hello since they’d be seeing a lot of each other for however long their family member was stationed in the ICU.

 

Doctor Elliot stopped outside a room near the far end of the wall and placed his papers on the desk, “Here is Detective Ryan’s room. You three may stay as long as visiting hours allow, but I ask of you to be quiet and considerate to the other families in here.”

 

“Of course, Doctor. Thank you.” Beckett said.

 

Doctor Elliot nodded and leaned over his desk to pull a small bag from his drawer, “These are his; what he was wearing when he was brought in.”

 

Esposito nodded grimly, but remained silent as he took them from the doctor’s hand.

 

Doctor Elliot noticed none made a move to step through the door leading into their friend’s room, “I know this is rough...but I know he’d be grateful to have you three by his side. Seeing as he doesn’t have much of a family, I think it would help him knowing that some were there for him.”

 

Esposito casted an eye towards the closed door, “He does have a family. Us.”

 

Doctor Elliot smiled sadly, “I have to go make my rounds, but don’t hesitate to press the call button for a nurse if something changes.” He nodded once more before turning and walking back down to exit the ICU.

 

The three detectives stared at one another for a few seconds before Esposito cleared his throat and stepped toward the door. He hesitantly reached for the doorknob and pushed it open to a white, sterile room with nothing but machines and a bed. His partner was unconscious underneath the covers, with several wires hooked into his arms trailing to various machines. There was also a small ‘bathroom’ in the corner of the room, although it was just a toilet and sink with a drape for privacy when in use.

 

Not that his partner would need that, seeing as IVs took care of his urinating, drinking and eating.

 

Esposito dropped the bag containing his partner’s underwear and fell into the chair by his partner’s bed and immediately reached out to grab his hand, “You’re an idiot, you fucking bastard.” Esposito whispered, watching the slight awkward rise and fall of his chest.

 

He didn’t even hear Castle and Beckett follow him in until he felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder and Castle say, “He’ll get better, Espo. This is Ryan we’re talking about.”

 

“I shoulda been there with him…” Esposito said with his head in a bowed position, his hands clasped over Ryan’s. “If I’d been there, he wouldn’t have thought he was alone and knew we were there for him.”

 

Beckett pounded her fist against the bedside table, but kept her voice at a harsh low, “Damn it, Esposito. Stop blaming yourself. He’s not in here because of you. You’re the reason why he didn’t feel like that sooner. You were with him and I know you couldn’t have missed the improvement in him.”

 

“But, it wasn’t enough.” Esposito looked up at Beckett, still holding Ryan’s hand in his. “He’s here because I wasn’t enough.”

 

Beckett pulled another chair up next to her partner, “He’s still holding on in there because you’re still holding on to him here. Don’t give up on him.”

 

Esposito nodded, taking her words to heart. He brought his partner’s hand up to his mouth to place a small kiss to Ryan’s thumb. “I won’t leave you alone, baby,” He whispered, “Not again.”

 

 


End file.
